Redefining Holiday Stress: Peace Through Discernment with Laurin Wittig

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Hi friends, and welcome

back to Curiously Wise.

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I'm Laurin Wittig, your host.

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I wanted to just share a little bit

of something I've been pondering a

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lot lately and working to Overcome,

understand, become discerning

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about, one of those issues.

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So let me just tell you a

little story about my morning.

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This morning I was out walking Zoe

the Wonder Dog before a big storm

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comes through this afternoon and I

recognized that emotionally I was in

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a soup of frustration, irritation,

and stress, even though there

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really isn't any reason I should be.

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So I realized I needed to get

curious and dig into exactly what

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was going on in my funny little head.

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Hmm, let me see.

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I had this episode to record

and I still didn't know what I

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was going to talk about here.

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And it's the end of 2023, so I

wanted it to be kind of important.

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I'd been stymied by an online retail

site that kept giving me problems

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at checkout, and I still have a

few presents to find and ship.

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And Christmas is only eight days away.

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As empty nesters with our own

parents gone now, and a husband that

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really doesn't care about Christmas,

we aren't doing much this year.

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So really, it hasn't been stressful.

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Well, until I realized my stress

today is because there is an external

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date by which I'm supposed to

have presents to their recipients.

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And frankly, since we only have

a couple of social gatherings

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to go to and nothing else.

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Christmas has kind of slipped my

mental countdown radar this year.

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As this was revealing itself to

me, I realized this is another

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opportunity for me to work on

something that has been very large in

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my life in the last, well, 63 years.

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I immediately felt better, not because

any of the emotions had been released,

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but because I've begun implementing

some tools to help me find my way

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through what I call time anxiety.

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I think time anxiety is very large

in our culture, so I'm tackling it.

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So one of the big things I've learned

to ask first is, is this a time

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anxiety I have created for myself?

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Examples are commitments to deliver

things like this episode to my editor,

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time sensitive commitments to other

people, like working with clients,

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interviewing people for the podcast,

or social events with good friends.

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Or is this a time anxiety

outside my control?

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Because of the phase of life I'm in,

there's not a lot of outside, or what

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I call imposed, time commitments.

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But holidays are an example

of an imposed commitment.

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So then I put on my discerning hat.

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Metaphorically, of course, I

don't really have a discerning

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hat, and really looked at that.

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December 25th is Christmas Day.

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Why does the date create stress?

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A quick aside here.

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There are so many reasons it creates

stress that I no longer have to deal with.

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So forgive me the simplicity of the

source of my stress when you probably

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have a lot more stressors on you.

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Sometimes a simple example just

makes it easier to see a situation

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and plan how to deal with it.

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Then you scale up from there.

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So why am I stressing?

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December 25th is racing toward me and

everything has to be done by that morning.

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But does it really?

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The only people who I really want

to get their gifts on time, a child

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and my adult children, will have

their packages before the 25th

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because I took care of that already.

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Done.

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Anyway, the three other people I

feel it important to send a gift this

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year are grownups and empty nesters.

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They won't mind if their presents

aren't there promptly by the 25th.

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I know them.

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They won't.

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So why am I allowing that

date to stress me out?

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There is the desire to not look

like a grinch to family and friends.

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I know the judgment is coming

from inside me, not from them.

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So, I can let that go.

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They will get presents, and if

they don't arrive by the 25th,

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it's really not a big deal.

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Deep breath.

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I can let go of that.

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I still have some shopping to do.

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Online, I don't go near retail

store crowds this time of year.

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But I can enjoy the process instead

of feeling like I have to rush to

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find something to send quickly.

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And my frustration and irritation?

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Gone.

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For now, at least.

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I tell this story because discerning

whether there was a legit reason I was

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frustrated, irritated, and anxious, or

if it was based on external circumstances

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and self judgment, was the first

step to understanding the situation

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and the choices I had available to

bring me back to a state of calm.

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Discerning is one of those words I

hear used a lot, including by me.

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But I realized I don't really know

the actual definition of discernment.

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So I looked it up.

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There are many, including judgment.

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But the one I really like is selectivity.

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Selectivity.

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This makes sense to me.

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And it's fun to say.

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Selectivity implies options.

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Do I want this or that?

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I like options, so if I use my

selectivity to look at my options:

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feel anxious due to impending December

25th deadline, or feeling calm and

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allowing myself to take my time to

shop for gifts and get them to my loved

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ones, even if it's after that date.

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Selectivity: is the fear of judgment

coming from those who might get

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a New Year's present instead of a

Christmas present, or is it coming

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from what I think I should do?

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Hustle to get everything

bought and shipped immediately.

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Part of embracing discernment,

aka selectivity, is understanding

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that everything you say no to

opens up more space for something

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new, or just a period of rest.

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It is also true that everything

you say yes to potentially creates

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a no to something else you might

enjoy or rest you might relish.

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And so this is where I have come to.

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I have come to a place

of releasing my shoulds.

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Shoulds are something that

creep up on me all the time.

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And this tool of discernment

of selectivity, and frankly, of

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curiosity, helped me to look and find

those shoulds and challenge them.

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So that's where the selectivity comes in.

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Do I want to feel this way?

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Or would I rather feel that way?

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And if that way is in antithesis to

the shoulds, Then is the should really

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something important or is it just

something that I have had imposed

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on me by our culture or imposed

by me just because it's tradition.

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So I invite you to think about

that as you are navigating

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your way through the holidays.

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One other important tip when

dealing with the holidays.

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It can be hard to get your mind

quiet enough to go through the

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discernment process in order to

choose how you want to move forward.

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I got that quiet this morning

by taking my pup for a walk.

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Getting outside always helps

me calm the chaos inside.

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A deep slow breath.

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Even if you can't get away from the source

of chaos, turn your back or declare a

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potty break and take a few slow breaths.

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I know when you're in the midst of chaos,

laughter can be hard to come by, so I

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just offer you this Tip this tool of

playing remember when with those present

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It's a game to get those gathered with

you telling funny family stories and

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maybe you know It's kind of a sneaky way

of redirecting the energy of the room

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especially if you have those relatives

in your home or you're in their home

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and they just can't let things go.

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They like to play victim or they

bring politics up or they have

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some other reason to create chaos

even if it's just to get attention.

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Turn that attention to something funny.

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Turn that attention to something

that will get Everybody laughing,

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or at least smiling fondly, and this

is, it's really a powerful, powerful

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thing that you can consciously do.

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I know that for my family, the stories

tend to come up when we are around

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other family members that we don't

see regularly, and it's a way of

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bonding, but we always end up laughing.

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And it's such a joy to remember even

those times where we were telling those

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stories to each other for the umpteenth

time, and how much we laughed together.

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So I would invite you to bring

that as a gift to your gathering.

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And if there are no stories that

you can remember, Other people will.

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Ask them to tell you about the

funniest Christmas they ever had.

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Anything like that will get them

reminiscing and lifting their vibe

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into something fun and Emotionally

moving would be, you know, another

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way to look at it, or sentimental.

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It will change the whole vibe.

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Even if it's just for long

enough for you to gather yourself

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together, figure out what you want,

discern what's going on with you.

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And have that moment of selectivity

where you can see what your options are.

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One of your options might be to get

people telling these funny stories.

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So that was the lesson that

I went through this morning.

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I share it with you because I think,

first of all, it's good any time of the

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year, but I think during this time of

the year, when we were gathered with far

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flung family and, and friends a lot, and

there's the stress, especially if you're

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the hosting family or the hostess who's

responsible for most stuff, which Usually

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my role, it can be really a hard time to

allow yourself to decide what's really

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important and what you can let go of.

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And finally, I just want to remind

you that there are so many holidays

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celebrated around the world this

time of year to move in community

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through the longest night of the

year in the Northern hemisphere

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and celebrate the return of light.

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My wish is that we may each bring our

beautiful light into the world as we

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end 2023 and may we move forward into

: 2024

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I'll see you in January.

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Have a wonderful rest of

: 2023